MAD #513 — February 2012

"America is still the greatest country in the world… but only because all the other countries are collapsing even faster than we are!" — Alfred E. Neuman

Contents

• Contents Page

  It's the List We Can Do Dept.
  1
• Letters and Tomatoes Dept.

  Notes

  • Photo of Peter Kuper with Inkpot Award from San Diego Comic-Con, more decorated Spy vs. Spy figures to go with those featured on the pull-out poster in #511 (Irving Schild photos), "Blank" Spy action figures customized by: Carlos "The Beast Brothers" East Jr., Ernesto "The Beast Brothers" East, Jim Lee, Bill Morrison, Pendleton Ward, Thomas Weiser, Casey Willis, Weird Al Yankovic
  2–4
• Drawn-Out Dramas

  Marginal Thinking Dept.

  Sergio Aragones
  (various obscure places around the magazine) summary
• The Fundalini Pages

  Random Acts of Mindless Dept.

  • Celebrity Cause-of-Death Betting Odds — Rick Perry — Art by Bob Staake
  • LeLievre and Let LeLievre — "Are we dead yet?" (Glen LeLievre)
  • You May Have Too Many Cats If… — Written by Teresa Burns Parkhurst / Art by Kevin Pope sample
  • Your Small Town Police Blotter — Written by Jeff Kruse
  • Fundalini Asks: "What Do You Think They're Talking About?" — Art by Scott Bricher
  • The Fast Five — How to Curb Fan Violence in Pro Sports — Written by Jeff Kruse / Art by Tom Bunk
  • Vey to Go — hostage food (P. C. Vey)
  • The Fast Five — Tip-Offs That Your Significant Other Just Might Be a Serial Killer — Written by Kit Lively / Art by Tim Hamilton
  • Tiger Momma (Jacob Lambert)
  • Worst-Selling Mail Order Catalog Items for the Holidays — Written by Jeff Kruse / Art by Charles Akins
  • Salas in Wonderland — humor in psychiatrist comics (Jason Salas)
  • Unwritten Rules for Transgender Newbies (John Caldwell)
  6–8,10
• Ad for Subscriptions
  9
• The MAD 20 Dumbest People, Events and Things of 2011

  (introduction page)

  Featuring /

  • 1. The U.S. Debt Crisis — "The Walking Debt" — (The Walking Dead TV parody poster) — Art by Hermann Mejia

    Reprinted in 1 collection

    • The 100 Dumbest People, Events & Things of the Century (so far) — Special Collector's Edition 2014

    12–13
  • 2. Tired Air Traffic Controllers — "Stay the F**k Awake" — (Go the F**k to Sleep book parody) — Written by Darren Johnson / Art by James Warhola 14
  • 3. Covering for a Pedophile — "The Blind Eye" — (The Blind Side movie poster parody) — Art by Scott Bricher

    Reprinted in 2 collections

    • The Best of the Worst! — Special Collector's Edition 2012
    • The 100 Dumbest People, Events & Things of the Century (so far) — Special Collector's Edition 2014

    15
  • 4. Congressman Sexts His Weiner — "The Anthony Weiner 'No Limits' Sexting Plan" — (ad parody) — Written by Desmond Devlin 16
  • 5. Kim Kardashian Gets Married — "Wedding Cashers" — (Wedding Crashers movie parody poster) — Written by Matt Lassen / Art by Mark Stutzman

    Reprinted in 1 collection

    • MAD #43 — June 2025

    17
  • 6. Charlie Sheen Self-Destructs — "Sheen Lantern" — (Green Lantern comic book cover parody) — Written by Kit Lively and Scott Nickel / Art by Tom Richmond 18–19
  • 7. Olbermann Implodes At MSNBC — The Worst Personal Choice in the World — Written by Desmond Devlin / Art by Drew Friedman 20
  • 8. The NBA Lockout — "No Basketball Association" — (NBA team logo parodies) — Art by Timothy Shamey 21
  • 9. Casey Anthony Gets Off — "Casey at the Trial" — (Casey at the Bat Ernest Thayer poem parody) — Written by Lance Hansen with Frank Jacobs / Art by Ward Sutton

    Reprinted in 1 collection

    • The 100 Dumbest People, Events & Things of the Century (so far) — Special Collector's Edition 2014

    22–23
  • 10. Tiger Moms — "Study! For the Glory of Your Mother" — (Chinese Cultural Revolution propaganda poster parody) — Written by James Grebey / Art by Juan Doe 24
  • 11. Rex Ryan's Foot Fetish — "Footlewd" — (Footloose movie poster parody) — Written by Matt Lassen / Art by Scott Bricher 25
  • 12. Netflix Changes the Rules — "A message from Reed Hastings" — Written by Dick DeBartolo 26
  • 13. Arnold Schtups His Housekeeper — "Crazy Stupid Gov" — (Crazy Stupid Love movie poster parody) — Art by Richard Williams

    Reprinted in 1 collection

    • The 100 Dumbest People, Events & Things of the Century (so far) — Special Collector's Edition 2014

    27
  • 14. Trump Says Obama Not American — "Birther King" — (Burger King / Trump portrait) — Written by Desmond Devlin / Art by Roberto Parada sample

    Reprinted in 1 collection

    • MAD About Trump — 2017

    28–29
  • 15. News Corp Hacks Phones — "Game of Phones" — (Game of Thrones TV poster parody) — Written by Jacob Lambert / Art by Mick Coulas 30
  • 16. Michele Bachmann Speaks — "The Look of Moron" — (The Book of Mormon Broadway play poster parody) — Written by Frank Santopadre and Genevieve Sterbenz 31
  • 17. Harold Camping — "The Day the Earth Still Stood" — (The Day the Earth Stood Still movie poster parody) — Written by Jacob Lambert / Art by Mark Stutzman sample

    Reprinted in 1 collection

    • The 100 Dumbest People, Events & Things of the Century (so far) — Special Collector's Edition 2014

    32
  • 18. Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark's Injuries — "The Amazingly Dangerous Spider-Play" — (The Amazing Spiderman comic book parody) — Written by Desmond Devlin / Art by Ty Templeton 33–35
  • 19. Herman Cain's Presidential Run — "The Pee-Wee Herman Cain Show" — (The Pee-Wee Herman Show TV poster parody) — Art by Mark Fredrickson 36
  • 20. Derek Jeter's 3000th Hit Ball Returned — Fold-In (Al Jaffee) 37
  11
• Ad for Subscriptions

  with #154 bonus print
  38
• The Strip Club

  Pen and Stink Dept.

  • Awkward Hugs (Tom Bland)
  • Father O'Flannity's Hot Tub Confessions with Kanye West (Keith Knight)
  • The Dork Side — Written by Kit Lively / Art by Scott Nickel
    Reprinted in 1 collection

    • Intensely Dumb MAD — 2013
  • What If Dog Was One Of Us? (Kenny Keil)
  • Coombs & Coombs (Jason Coates)
    Reprinted in 1 collection

    • Intensely Dumb MAD — 2013
  • Rods & Cones (Brian Gordon)
  39–41
• Planet TAD!!!!!

  In Blog We Trust Dept.

  Written by Tim Carvell / various photos
  42–43
• A MAD Look at Protests

  Serge-In General Dept.

  Sergio Aragones / Color by Tom Luth
  44–47
• Ad for MAD Books
  48–49
• Spy vs. Spy — bomb within airplane / safe vacuum

  Joke and Dagger Dept.

  Peter Kuper

  Reprinted in 5 collections

  • Spy vs. Spy — Fight to the Finish — 2013
  • Inside MAD — 2013
  • MAD Choice Cuts — Special Collector's Edition 2014
  • Special Loot Crate Edition of MAD — May 2015
  • Totally Inside MAD — 2016
  50–51
• Ways to Create a Healthier McDonald's Experience

  Hamburger Buns of Steel Dept.

  Teresa Burns Parkhurst

  Reprinted in 1 collection

  • Certifiably MAD — 2012
  52–53
• The MAD Vault

  Rotten to the Encore Dept.

  • from MAD #149 — Harry Grepser's New Year's Resolutions 1962–1972 — Written by Frank Jacobs
  • from MAD #252 — One Fine Christmas in the Jungle — Don Martin
  54–56